Creating safety around our children to help protect against grooming and abuse is not something we, as parents, want to talk about but it is definitely something we should be talking about.
As a child protection and positive behaviour support specialist, I wish I could only count on one hand the number of parents who have said to me, "I wish I had known" but, sadly, I have heard this sentence repeatedly throughout my career. These are parents who have raised their children in a way that did nothing but look out for their best interests and wellbeing. So why didn't they know what to look out for?
Because nobody told them.
It isn't openly spoken about. And even if you are looking for the information, it is not readily available to parents and caregivers. We are here to change that.
Let's take a look at 5 steps you can take to help protect your children against grooming and abuse*.
Warning: Content may be distressing for some readers as it deals with issues of sexual abuse. If you or someone you know needs help, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or your local crisis hotline, or in case of emergency, contact emergency services.
1. Develop positive communication strategies
The development of positive communication strategies not only helps to promote a happy and harmonious home and family life, but it also helps to protect against grooming and abuse.
Let's take a quick look at what positive communication can do to create safety within a family:
Our book, Stop Yelling!, is a great resource that provides a straightforward, step-by-step approach to developing positive communication habits with your young children, and developing secure attachment that can help improve safety around your family for years to come.
2. Be sex-positive
Depending on your age, culture, and upbringing, this can elicit different responses from everyone. By being sex-positive we are not encouraging our children to engage in sexual activity at a young age, we are actually removing the stigma and shame around what can often be considered a taboo subject, and normalising sex as an acceptable part of life.
Let's consider what we can do to promote a sex-positive attitude within the family, and the positive consequences this can have:
3. Show an interest in their lives
We can't expect to be disinterested in their lives as young children and then have them welcome us into their lives with our interrogations and intrusive questions when they become teenagers.
Let's delve into what we can do to show interest, from the first time they show us a special rock from the garden, to the first time we get an inkling they are considering embarking on their first sexual experience:
4. Know the signs of grooming and sexual abuse
We can put all of these great strategies in place but if we don't know what we are looking for, it will all lead to nothing. Contrary to popular belief, we are not necessarily looking out for adults who show a sexual attraction to our children or who outwardly appear predatory (although both of these attributes are a cause for serious concern and action).
There are various signs to look out for and steps to take to help guard against grooming and sexual abuse:
5. Stay informed
Creating safety around our children and adolescents is a complex and ever-evolving process. What is needed in early childhood is different to what is needed in adolescence, but it all feeds into each other.
Whilst starting from birth is optimal, the next best step is starting where you are, adapting your communication style as needed, and educating yourself on the signs and implications of grooming and abuse.
Follow us on Instagram and Facebook for more information, and if you're ready to become a Prepared Parent, gain immediate access to our full Protective Behaviours Toolkit for parents to help you to create safety around your children and family.
Your child's safe future starts with you.
As a child protection and positive behaviour support specialist, I wish I could only count on one hand the number of parents who have said to me, "I wish I had known" but, sadly, I have heard this sentence repeatedly throughout my career. These are parents who have raised their children in a way that did nothing but look out for their best interests and wellbeing. So why didn't they know what to look out for?
Because nobody told them.
It isn't openly spoken about. And even if you are looking for the information, it is not readily available to parents and caregivers. We are here to change that.
Let's take a look at 5 steps you can take to help protect your children against grooming and abuse*.
Warning: Content may be distressing for some readers as it deals with issues of sexual abuse. If you or someone you know needs help, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or your local crisis hotline, or in case of emergency, contact emergency services.
1. Develop positive communication strategies
The development of positive communication strategies not only helps to promote a happy and harmonious home and family life, but it also helps to protect against grooming and abuse.
Let's take a quick look at what positive communication can do to create safety within a family:
- Children feel as though their voices are heard so they continue to share throughout their lives, knowing they will be heard and respected for their individuality and opinions. This can then lead to children, adolescents, and adults who are open to discussing complex issues and talking openly about problems, with no fear of being shut down or ignored.
- Children are free to explore and develop their own identity and skills, are allowed to take their own calculated risks, are encouraged to solve age-appropriate problems and make age-appropriate decisions, and understand the consequences of their own actions. This can then lead to children, adolescents, and adults who are not so easily led by peer pressure, can make more informed and therefore safer decisions around more complex issues such as sexual activity, substance use, and group involvement, and who solve problems and make decisions through their own lens and not with a goal of rebellion or to conform.
- Children feel safe in making mistakes and knowing they won't be judged, but rather they will receive love, understanding, and assistance if they come to you with a problem or an unwanted outcome. This can then lead to children, adolescents, and adults who are not afraid to tell you if something untoward has happened with another person or group, and who are not scared to tell you if one of their own decisions has gone awry. They are more likely to feel safe asking you for help, rather than hiding it away and feeling ashamed, increasing the risk of further harm.
Our book, Stop Yelling!, is a great resource that provides a straightforward, step-by-step approach to developing positive communication habits with your young children, and developing secure attachment that can help improve safety around your family for years to come.
2. Be sex-positive
Depending on your age, culture, and upbringing, this can elicit different responses from everyone. By being sex-positive we are not encouraging our children to engage in sexual activity at a young age, we are actually removing the stigma and shame around what can often be considered a taboo subject, and normalising sex as an acceptable part of life.
Let's consider what we can do to promote a sex-positive attitude within the family, and the positive consequences this can have:
- Name body parts by their real names. If we call all of our body parts by their real names, this helps to prevent feelings of shame around those body parts. We still teach our children which body parts are private and what that means, but by removing any stigma attached by giving parts "more acceptable" names, we are helping to promote body positivity and acceptance and we a reducing the risk that they will feel ashamed to talk about it if something untoward were to happen to them with regard to grooming or sexual abuse.
- Talk to them about all different genders and sexualities in a factual way, without judgement. Not only do we want our children to accept all people for who they are and who they love, but we never know what the future holds for our own children. Talk about gender and sexuality without the labels where possible, and this is likely to lead to children, adolescents, and adults who are comfortable in their own skin no matter what, and who know that no matter what judgement they receive from anyone else, the only thing waiting for them at home is love and acceptance. This then also reduces risk by removing any shame, which is often used as a weapon to perpetrate abuse.
- Answer all questions with the age-appropriate truth. The more our children understand about their bodies and how they work, and about human relationships, in a matter of fact way, the less opportunity there is for others to create shame and secrecy to help perpetrate abuse.
3. Show an interest in their lives
We can't expect to be disinterested in their lives as young children and then have them welcome us into their lives with our interrogations and intrusive questions when they become teenagers.
Let's delve into what we can do to show interest, from the first time they show us a special rock from the garden, to the first time we get an inkling they are considering embarking on their first sexual experience:
- Pay attention and be curious about anything that sparks their interest. When your toddler is fascinated by a flower, become just as fascinated. Ask questions, talk about your own experience with the flower, and point out other flowers throughout the day. This interest is then likely to carry on into older childhood when they want to share their experiences of bullying, and into adolescence when they are navigating the world of hormonal fluctuations and more complicated peer and adult relationships. We keep the lines of communication open by starting young and following through.
- Be naturally curious about their day and ask open-ended questions. Get them used to having regular conversations about their day, their interactions, their activities, and their feelings, and it won't feel to them like an interrogation when you are asking these same questions to your adolescents years down the track. This also gives them years worth of evidence that you are listening and conversing without judgement, so they will be far more likely to come to you for help with problems.
- Talk to them about their decision-making and problem-solving processes, rather than the decision or the solution in and of itself. This will help to foster trust within your relationship with your children, adolescents, and (eventually) adults knowing you will have a judgement-free conversation rather than judge them for the outcome of any decisions they may not be so happy with. This leads to them being more likely to come to you when something doesn't go quite right, because they know you will help them through it, rather than place blame and judgement.
4. Know the signs of grooming and sexual abuse
We can put all of these great strategies in place but if we don't know what we are looking for, it will all lead to nothing. Contrary to popular belief, we are not necessarily looking out for adults who show a sexual attraction to our children or who outwardly appear predatory (although both of these attributes are a cause for serious concern and action).
There are various signs to look out for and steps to take to help guard against grooming and sexual abuse:
- Child sex offenders work on power and control, and work in very discreet and manipulative ways. By understanding the ways in which perpetrators gain this power and control, it can help us to recognise the signs early to help prevent further grooming and abuse. Our Protective Behaviours Toolkit for parents outlines these signs in detail.
- Your child's behaviour can often indicate something isn't quite right. By knowing what to look for in our own children, we can open up a conversation using our positive communication strategies to help them feel safe to open up if there is something untoward happening to them. Our Protective Behaviours Toolkit for parents outlines these signs in detail.
- Regardless as to whether your child has experienced grooming alone or it has led to abuse, they require professional help. Any experience of grooming or abuse can do damage to a child's boundaries and can lead to life-long difficulties with interpersonal relationships. It is important that they receive this help regardless of how long the grooming or abuse went on, and regardless of the extent of the abuse. Visit our resources page for further assistance.
5. Stay informed
Creating safety around our children and adolescents is a complex and ever-evolving process. What is needed in early childhood is different to what is needed in adolescence, but it all feeds into each other.
Whilst starting from birth is optimal, the next best step is starting where you are, adapting your communication style as needed, and educating yourself on the signs and implications of grooming and abuse.
Follow us on Instagram and Facebook for more information, and if you're ready to become a Prepared Parent, gain immediate access to our full Protective Behaviours Toolkit for parents to help you to create safety around your children and family.
Your child's safe future starts with you.