Christmas can be a difficult time for many reasons, one of those being that it brings family members together who may have little contact throughout the rest of the year, leading to some tough dynamics for adults and children alike. 

 

Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and family friends can expect affection from our adorable children, feeling as though it is owed to them because they’re family and they haven’t seen the children since the same time last year. But what message are we sending our children when we allow this to happen?

 

Let’s talk about what we can do help our children (and ourselves) manage unwanted touch during this holiday period, whilst maintaining positive family relationships.

 

1. Talk to your children beforehand

 

Talk to them about how Christmas can be great at bringing families together, but that doesn’t mean they have to give cuddles and kisses to anyone they don’t want to. Give them strategies they can use to prevent or avoid any unwanted touch, such as:

 

  • Putting a hand up in a ‘stop’ sign and saying, “No thank you, I don’t want a hug/kiss”
  • Walking away from a situation in which they feel uncomfortable, and coming to be by your side if they need to feel supported
  • Seeking help from a trusted adult who is supportive of their bodily autonomy, if the pressure or unwanted touch persists

 

2. Speak to family members prior to the event

 

This includes both ‘safe’ adults who will support your children’s bodily autonomy, and those you feel may make your children uncomfortable with their unwanted affection. 


Ask the supportive adults to be aware of what is happening around them, and to help your children if they need it.


Explain to the potentially problematic family members that although you understand their want for affection at Christmas time, it’s more important that your children’s bodily autonomy is respected, and that they need to ask for hugs and kisses and are not to proceed unless the child provides definite consent. 


For help with this, view our Consent and Know the Signs webinars in our Protective Behaviours Toolkit, which delve into the importance of bodily autonomy and how to manage your own discomfort around these conversations with family members. 

 

3. Role model the behaviour

 

Not only do we need to be providing the same respect for our children’s bodily autonomy as we want to see from others, but we also want to have the same respect for our own because they watch every move we make, and they learn from it. 

 

If you spend the drive to Christmas lunch talking about how you hope Uncle Bill isn’t there because he makes you uncomfortable, and then you arrive and allow Uncle Bill to embrace you whilst you plot your escape, the message you’re sending your children is that other people are entitled to our bodies despite how it makes us feel. It will make it so much harder for them to implement the strategies discussed above, because it will create a disparity between what you have said and what you have done. 

 

In addition, we need to be advocating for our children and be vocal and clear with family members around the need for consent. If Aunty Betty runs up to hug your children when you arrive and you can see your children freezing up, it’s up to you as the parent to stand in front of your children and let Aunty Betty know that she needs to ask them before hugging. Regardless of her response, this is now a conversation between yourself and Aunty Betty that your children will observe and will learn from. Depending on how you manage this discussion, your children can then gather strength from your moral stance and will feel more capable of advocating for themselves as time goes on.

 

4. If all else fails, leave

 

If you have tried all of the above and you’re still finding that your children’s bodily autonomy is being disrespected and they’re feeling uncomfortable or unsafe, remove them and yourself from the situation before it escalates into either an argument, or a situation in which you relent and tell your children to give in to the unwanted affection to keep the peace. Neither of these are positive outcomes for you or your children.

 

If this happens, let your children know that you are removing them from the situation because the grown-ups in question aren’t respecting their bodies, and let them know you’re going to go and do something amazing together, away from the uncomfortable environment. Pay particular attention to your language here, so that your children know this was the adults’ responsibility to fix, not theirs, and that it is not their fault. Praise their actions in defending their boundaries and reiterate the importance of this.

 

As we discuss at length in our Protective Behaviours Toolkit, the emotional wants of an adult should never override the safety needs of a child. And despite any conditioning we may have experienced throughout our lives to believe that Uncle Bill and Aunty Betty are simply from another generation and are harmless, the bottom line is that any adult that persistently disrespects a child’s bodily autonomy and boundaries despite repeated requests to stop, is not a safe adult for a child to be around because by breaking down these boundaries, they are creating an unsafe future for your child. 

 


You can help create a safer future for all of our children by following our Instagram and Facebook pages to help us reach more and more families.

 

Photograph © Kristen English 2024

From all of us here at The Prepared Parent, we wish you and your families a safe and happy holiday period.