The Prepared Parent

Some thoughts about gentle parenting…

• It’s an amazing way to raise children who are empathic, resilient, adaptable, emotionally regulated, and well-adjusted
• It is a vehicle to developing secure attachment, which is critical to the safety of our children
• It is so often misunderstood and applied incorrectly, that we are slowly but surely having the opposite impact on our children and it’s becoming a risk

But we need to be careful not to mistake gentle parenting for permissive parenting.

Here is the difference:

Gentle parenting

• Supports children whilst they experience big emotions
• Teaches children positive coping strategies to help regulate big emotions
• Redirects to positive coping strategies at the appropriate moment
• Shows respect to children whilst maintaining boundaries
• Creates safety around children through these boundaries
• Promotes secure attachment, leading to healthy relationships

Permissive parenting

• Supports children whilst they experience big emotions
• Allows all behaviour surrounding these emotions, whether positive, antisocial, or self-destructive
• Allows the emotional and behavioural experience to continue, without redirection
• Shows respect to children whilst allowing them to disrespect personal and societal boundaries
• Diminishes safety around children through a lack of boundaries
• Inadvertently promotes an anxious attachment style, which can lead to codependence and unhealthy future relationships

The confusion between gentle parenting and permissive parenting is an easy one to make, as it can be a slippery slope. We can often think we’re doing the right thing by our children by letting them experience their ‘big feelings’ and allowing them to express them however they wish, but emotional regulation is a critical skill in the development of resilience, which is one of the keys to safety.

Emotional regulation is not about shutting down feelings. It’s about teaching our children that all feelings are important and should be felt. They can laugh, cry, feel frustrated, feel angry, feel excited; but it’s our job as parents to teach them appropriate and positive behavioural responses to accompany these emotions so they can experience these feelings in a way that promotes a positive and healthy outcome for themselves and those around them.

Risks of emotional dysregulation as children get older:

• Self-destructive and/or self-harming behaviour
• Abusive or dismissive behaviour towards others
• Inability to develop and maintain healthy relationships
• Difficulty holding down a job
• Unhealthy relationship with food and/or money
• Dangerous risk-taking behaviour
• Antisocial and/or criminal behaviour

When teaching emotional regulation, it’s important to allow the feelings to be felt whilst providing a positive and healthy behavioural alternative to any potentially destructive behaviour. This can include:

• Squeezing a pillow tightly
• Taking three deep breaths in and out through the nose
• Physical activity, such as cartwheels, running, or sport
• Asking for help or affection
• Drawing or painting
• Having a bath or a shower
• Getting outside in nature

How do we go about this when they’re in the midst of an emotional breakdown?

1. Sit with them whilst they ride out the peak of their emotions
2. Once things start to calm, help them to name their feelings
3. Reassure them that you understand the reasons for their feelings, and that it’s good for them to let these feelings out
4. Suggest alternative behaviours that could help them to express their feelings in a healthy way
5. Demonstrate, and suggest they practice with you
6. Have them focus on how their body is feeling after practicing this new skill
7. Next time you start to see a similar escalation, remind them of the healthy ways they can release their feelings, and do it with them
8. Provide positive reinforcement, and remind them to check in with their bodies to see how they feel after engaging in the alternative behaviour
9. Role model these behaviours yourself – talk to your children about your feelings as they happen, and demonstrate your own use of healthy coping strategies
10. Use proactive emotional regulation strategies in your daily lives

The more consistent you are in role modelling and helping them to adopt their own healthy coping strategies, the more effective it will be.

REMEMBER: Gentle parenting is fantastic! Let’s just remember the ‘parenting’ component so we can create safety around our children as they grow.

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Don’t forget that it takes a village to keep our children safe. The more parents who adopt similar principles around protective behaviours, the safer all of our children will be. You can help spread the word by following The Prepared Parent on Instagram and Facebook.